I lived in Alabama. Albeit a part that my mother considered almost normal what with Redstone Arsenal and rocket scientists.
But I liked this.
There are a lot of reasons I’m not a Democrat. For example, I believe that…
1. Jesus, America, and capitalism have been the three greatest forces of good in world history.
2. An attractive woman posing with an AR-15 beats a screaming feminist in a pussy hat 10 times out of 10.
3. You can’t #believeallwomen or #believeallmen; you have to #believetheevidence.
4. It’s wrong and disgusting to harass people in restaurants and at their home just because you disagree with them politically. Also if you block traffic to get attention for your cause, whatever it may be, I am not on your side.
5. Immigration is only good for America under certain conditions. The number of people coming in each year needs to be controlled and reasonable; immigrants should be able to support themselves without getting on the dole and we should heavily emphasize assimilation.
6. You should laugh at the idea of “white guilt.” People should not feel guilty because of their race, sex, or something their ancestors did.
7. Obamacare has driven health care costs through the roof, made premiums much higher, and has hurt the vast majority of middle-class Americans.
8. Looting is wrong. Period. 100 percent of the time. Unless there’s a zombie apocalypse. Is there a zombie apocalypse happening right now? No? Then you are scum if you loot.
9. There are two genders and you can’t change the one you are born with no matter how many surgeries, hormones, and weird pronouns that you apply to yourself. Also, those genders should use different bathrooms and shouldn’t be competing against each other in athletic endeavors.
10. “Climate change” is something that happens naturally and we need decades more of research and scientific advancement before we know how much of a role man is playing and what, if anything, we should do about it.
11. Asking people to show a government ID when they vote is just common sense if you really care about stopping election fraud.
12. America is not a racist country and is probably the best place on earth to live if you are a minority.
13. Refusing to stand for the flag is unpatriotic, disrespectful, and it harms any cause it’s associated with.
14. Wearing black masks, committing vandalism, and jumping people five-on-one like cowards is for losers, fascists, and criminals.
15. We need to have borders. I believe we need to enforce those borders, preferably with a wall. I believe people who cross those borders illegally are criminals who AT A MINIMUM deserve to be deported.
16. People should be judged individually on their own merits, not because of their race, color, or sexual orientation.
17. We don’t need to protect people from dangerous IDEAS. Instead, we need to make a case for why the ideas are “dangerous” and provide a better alternative.
18. There are no oppressed Americans.
19. Taking guns out of the hands of law-abiding gun owners makes us less safe and putting more guns in the hands of responsible Americans makes us safer.
20. Appropriating the best parts of other cultures is a good thing.
21. Hillary turned out to be the worst presidential candidate of all time and Barack Obama was the worst American president of all time, although Lyndon Johnson and Jimmy Carter were nearly as mediocre.
22. Slavery is the second greatest evil committed by America as a nation behind abortion.
23. There is no such thing as a “patriarchy.” In fact, this is probably the least patriarchal time in all of American history.
24. The South is a great place to live with just as many wonderful people as anywhere else in the country, IF NOT MORE. Except for Alabama. Screw Alabama. Just kidding, Alabama. Don’t let Lynyrd Skynyrd write a song about me.
25. Liberalism, socialism, communism, fascism, and Nazism are all branches of the same rotten tree and will lead to roughly similar bloody and totalitarian outcomes if given enough time and power.