Townsmen and veterans are searching for historic cannons that had been resting on town squares and local VFW posts all over Ohio and Pennsylvania for decades. They all apparently disappeared overnight shortly after the train derailment in East Palestine. One local reportedly found his VFW Post's missing howitzer in Ukraine. "Who knew," he wondered "that the US army still had artillery rounds for that old thing?" "Sheeesh", he said, "we’ve been shooting cement plugs out of it every 4th of July for decades!"
Surprisingly, 8 inch naval cannon and even freshly tarted up and painted M60 tanks have been reported missing. The FBI is looking into the matter.