Friday, November 24, 2023


 I posted this ages ago but I ran across it yesterday while looking back and thought it was time to repost the story. In a mass knife fight to the death among U.S. Presidents who would win and why?

1) George Washington – Commanding presence, strong physique, military training, viewed as a hero by everyone asked to shank him: He makes Top 10 without question. Of the guaranteed top three (I’m going to call them the Holy Trinity for the purposes of this rambling rundown), my money is on Jackson being the one who murders him; he wouldn’t blink, either. They were closer in age, and the hero myth wouldn’t be quite as firmly set. Besides, I’m pretty sure Jackson didn’t blink when he sneezed…

2) John Adams is going out early. Nothing against the man, but portly well-spoken lawyers bring lampoons to a knife fight. It doesn’t end well.

3) Thomas Jefferson. I’d like to say he’d make a good show of it, but he was a bit of dandy… Middle of the pack, but his dying words would be incredibly quotable.

4) James Madison. He’s just too short. I’m sorry: You need reach in a knife fight. The bravado of the philosophy behind Manifest Destiny only gets you so far. He’ll die early, and his small corpse will be one of the least important tripping hazards as the battle wears on.


Get the real rundown on each President's knife fighting chances. It's an amusing way to spend a little time.


Dan said...

Andrew Jackson... the man was a take no prisoners warrior.

HMS Defiant said...

Oh yeah, that was Andrew Jackson to the core.